Well today was a pretty rough day…. As I was feeding my two year old to sleep, feeling crap and wondering about whether or not I should blog about today… I really felt that it would just be too painful….. I could go into the details of how the tension built up, how I was triggered and how I reacted badly… and then I could talk about the shame guilt and depression I felt…. which eventually led to the next build up and explosion, and then the next… which left me wondering if I am capable of being a parent. Which left me wishing that there was some way that I could just give up and say, ‘you know what, this job really isn’t for me. I’m sure this kids would be better off with someone else.’ Since suicide and adoption are out of the question….. I just struggle on feel like the crappest mum in the world. I know they say it’s ok to apologise to your kids, but I feel like almost everyday I am apologising for being a mum who looses control and yells at them. There were several times that I was close to tears (and if there wasn’t 2 kids and other people watching, I probably would have had a big cry). There were several times where I kind of felt like I wanted to curl up and die… just feeling like I’m never going to get it right. I hate myself and I’m completely ruining the kids….
But now, I actually feel quite a bit better and more hopeful ( I guess its easy to say that when the kids are in bed asleep…). Because I think I know what is missing. Its my own confidence, self esteem, and emotional security…..
And a random article (a criticism of the movie Inside Out) I just read, reminded me that I do not have to be a slave to my emotions. I am in charge. I make the decisions and steer the boat. I can make changes happen if I want to. And I will. I need to believe in myself, and when I don’t, fake some confidence until I do. The kids need to see that I am stable and strong, so that they can be stable and strong…… (hmm… deva vu…. ‘like a rock’ that my son can hang onto when he feels like he’s drowning) I have written about this before~!! I really need to read my own blog!
I have written recently about self-care, and looking after myself, focusing on the physical side of things (which of course does affect mental and emotional health) but perhaps there are things that I can be doing to look after my mental health and my self esteem. An issue I’ve been having with my son lately, is that he keeps calling me and insisting that I come to assist/watch/talk with him at the drop of a hat. And he gets very agitated if after 3 seconds, I’m still not there. I have been talking to him about this, but I think I need to do more that just talk to him and tell him off. I need to insist that, unless it’s urgent, he come to me. If necessary I will go to him, ask him if its urgent, and if its not, go back inside and wait for him to come to me. Also any time either of them speak rudely, I will either prompt them to self correct, or model a more polite way of saying the same thing, and ask them to try. I want to be a bit more honest… and explain my needs for rest, and time by myself to the kids. And all of this will be cooly and calmly, because I have confidence in myself.
I also need to do thing that make me feel good about myself. Dress nicely. Pick up the house. Set small achievable projects that I know I can do. Surround myself with things that make me feel good. and get rid of stuff that doesn’t.
I’m falling asleep now…. I hope this is still making sense…
I need to get onto re-wiring my brain Part 2. And just generally read my own blog more… there are some good ideas in here, designed specifically for me! Sometimes I just write and write and write, but then I never go back to revisit the wonderful ideas and solutions I came up with.
Oh man, I really need to go to bed. Consider the last 3-4ish paragraphs to be my current goals. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.