So yesterday I posted about my plan to get back on track. Lately I’ve been feeling run down and tired all the time. (We recently moved btw.) I feel like I’m always struggling to keep up with house work etc. And just getting everyone fed, and bathed, with clean clothes, to school on time… is such a struggle. I feel like there are other things I want to be doing. More fun things with my kids…. I want to have it together before they grow up so that I can really be the kind of mum I want to be.
So, one dot-point on my plan to get back on track is to do daily parenting reflections, as a way to keep me accountable, and keep me thinking about how to be the parent I want to be. So here I am.
Today started pretty badly…. had some rocky patches in the middle, but I think it ended well.
Ok… so trying to work out how to briefly summarise. My nephew (about the same age as my son) slept over last night. They got really silly and hyped up last night and didn’t fall asleep until 11. Which I was quite annoyed about. They were both quite disrespectful to me at times, and didn’t pay any attention to me when I told them to settle down.
This morning I was quite snappy with them and wasn’t using my gentle, friendly or calm voice at all. I responded badly to anything that I considered disrespectful. Then, knowing that I was setting a terrible example and damaging our delicate relationship and hindering his sense of self esteem and security, I was flooded with guilt, and shame. How did I become this parent that I despise? I was also feeling depressed about the state of my house (which is smaller than my old house)- frustrated that with the kids around all the time I can’t even seem to get the most basic things done to keep it under control, and fearful that in such a cramped space, its just always going to be chaos, I’m never going to be on top of it. I knew I had to give the kids to someone else for a bit, so I took the kids ovre to Mum’s (we live next door, now we have moved) and got really teary, and then just felt embarrassed like I just can’t handle being a parent.
OK… I really need to speed this up, I keep falling asleep…. so here are dot points for the good and bad.
Things that went well
-I measured my coffee (as per plan)
-I did some exercise (as per plan)
-I took some time out when I really needed it. I took the kids to mum in the morning. and later I went to the shops, with just Mary, and I treated myself to a fancy cafe drink. while I cruised around the shops (not saying I should do this everyday, but today I really needed it.
-while I was out at the shops, I had a good think about how I needed to be stronger. When my son, or anyone, is rude or disrespectful to me, I need to hold my head high, and have tough skin. As I wrote in another post, I need to show him that I can deal with whatever he throws at me. I need to not lower myself to that level, but instead, be a good role model and demonstrate how I want him to behave, while also reconnecting, empathising, and gently guiding.
-I felt much better when we came back… and I was feeling a little bit more on track, and stronger and calmer. The afternoon and evening was quite pleasant
-Dishes are done, I did a quick tidy up/morning prep, and I’m about to shower and go to bed a little earlier than usual.
-I did a parenting reflection!
Ok, I’m so ready for bed, I’m not going to worry about writing up the things that didn’t go so well…. though I touched on some earlier….
Lets look forward: tomorrow I’m going to really focus on connecting , relaxing and enjoying time with my children.