A Dark Day

I feel like I want to die,  I want to go far far away from anyone.  I am so sick and tired of everyone telling me that I’m doing everything wrong.   Maybe I am just completely mental and can’t handle criticism.  But is it so wrong that I just want people to trust me with my own parenting.   Why can I not go to parents house without being criticised for my parenting, or criticised for getting upset too easily, or both.   My kids aren’t that bad. They’re doing ok, and they’ll be ok.  And yeah- I’m having a pretty rough time right now, so how about just giving me a break?? Why can’t they just let me work it out in my own time.   Why is it that when ever I try to stand up for myself I just come across as a crazy emotional wreck.   I want to die.  If I’m so crap at everything, and I’ve screwed everything up so badly, I might as well just die.   I feel like an incompetent human being.

I just want the space and time to become the parent I want to be, without everyone watching me and criticising me as I try to get there.

I’m so embarrassed that I handle everything so badly- and thus prove my mother’s point, that I get upset too easily.    I am as bad/worse than my mother.  I am everything I never wanted to become.  I could turn around and blame everything on her (like everyone else seems to do).   But what would that achieve, then we’d both be a mess and hate each other.   I just don’t want to see anyone any more. ever.

I want to prove them all wrong.  I want to prove that I am an awesome parent, and it was no thanks to their criticism and lack of confidence.   I want to not need them.

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One Comment Add yours

  1. So…. I’ve been contemplating removing this post, since it is so… full on. I worry that if my family ever discovers this blog I don’t want them to see this post. But I don’t really want to delete it either, because I want to be honest. I want to be honest about both the ups and the downs. And this is an honest description of a moment where I was feeling incredibly low. I do want to make clear that I am not suicidal….. although recently I have at times felt like I wanted to kill myself (sort of fantasised about it in a way). I have never ever considered it an actual option. I would never do that. Full stop. But I was feeling incredibly low. Going back to some of the thoughts I expressed in my first post, I’m glad I let those feelings out. I experienced them to their full extent. And today was a better day. There were times today where I felt really good, and I remembered what I wrote in my first post, about not numbing unpleasant feelings, but letting them out, so that there is room to let good feelings in. Just like breathing out and breathing in. I also want to make clear. That my family is amazing. We have our disagreements, but we love each other and they’re always there for me. This incredibly low feeling was not their fault. It just came from me being in an very fragile state.

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