I’m a little scared as I write this and start my own blog, for all the world to see. But I’m determined to jump right in and not over think it too much or let my perfectionism take over. I an introvert with social anxiety issues, and putting myself out there is a scary thing. In everyday life I constantly worry that I will not come across well to others. People will think I’m strange or stupid. People will think I’m an incompetent parent. People be disgusted at the state of my house and wonder what is wrong with me. People will think my outfit is weird. People won’t think my jokes are funny. People won’t understand what I’m trying to say. And … oh no… I’m sweating…. I probably smell bad too… (at least I don’t have to worry about that one online!)
Today I listened to Brene Brown’s TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability. She talks about the importance of embracing vulnerability. She talks about the need to let ourselves vulnerably love, share, feel, and be ourselves, in order to have meaningful connections and experiences. She also talks about not being able to numb our unwanted and unpleasant feelings (by drinking, watching TV, eating etc) without also suppressing feelings of joy and love. This reminded me of learning to control my breathing…. and the importance of breathing out…. you need to breath out as much as air as you can so that you are then able to take a big breath in. In life, you need to actually feel all the bad stuff, and let it out (rather than just trying to numb, suppress and avoid it) so that there is room to let the good stuff in.
I have thought about blogging before. Sometimes I have little revelations about parenting and life in general, and it feels so life changing and awesome to me that I feel like I should share it with the world. But then I think, well, maybe most people already know that anyway (and I was just a bit slow to catch on), or maybe it’s not really as awesome and amazing as I think it is. And then I think about how much hassle keeping a blog would be, and I move on. But after listening to this talk today, I decided I should just do it. It doesn’t have to be a big chore (I often write journal entries just for myself anyway!) And I want to put myself out there. I want to face my fear, embrace vulnerability and put my imperfect thoughts, opinions and ideas out there. Maybe no one will read it. Maybe its not even worth reading. But it doesn’t matter. I’m putting myself out there and leaving myself open to criticism and attacks.
So here I am, sharing my journey of life, parenting, and everything. I am a mother of a 7 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. I have recently separated from my husband, and I am currently struggling with depression and coming to terms with being a single mother. I am always striving to find ways to be a better parent, a better housekeeper and a better person. I hope that some of the things I write will be useful to someone.